Why Me?

I will go ahead and tell you this is not really a fun post so if that’s what you’re looking for keep scrolling. However, this is a personal post that I believe will not only help my readers learn a little bit more about me but also learn a few things about life too.

So if ya’ll read my very first post you know that I have somewhat of a story. It’s not all a happy story but at least the end is a happy one. I have waited to post until I felt like it was a good time but honestly there is no “good time” to tell a story like mine. So this is my life story this far. I will keep it short and sweet because there is a point to my story. So here it is…

I was in 7th grade. I had three best friends and I was what you would call popular I guess. I was happy I do remember that much. I went to my local middle school a block from my house and one of my best friend’s house too. She was my neighbor. She had brown hair similar to mine, freckles like me, she was younger than me but smart so she skipped a grade. That’s why she was in my class. That’s why she and I became friends.

Her birthday was in October, the end of October. About the middle of October she started to pass out birthday invitations, she even had me pass out a few to some girls in one of my classes. I waited wondering when mine was coming. I kept waiting. Finally the weekend of her birthday came around and nothing. I watched out my bedroom window as all of my friends were dropped off at my bestfriend’s house. I watched out my bedroom window all of my friends sing and laugh and play games together and worst of all yell things at me and laugh at me when I went outside. They did this all from her side of the street, girls I had been friends with for years suddnely decided I wasn’t good enough to be friends with them anymore. Why me? I didnt know why, or what I had done I just knew it hurt, a lot.

Finally that horrible weekend was over. I went back to school thinking maybe things would go back to normal. I know that sounds crazy but I was just so confused about the past weekends events I thought it was just some big joke. But it wasnt. And things did not go back to normal. They would never go back to normal. For the next few months I was made fun of, pushed into trash cans, sat alone at luch, cried myslef to sleep, and all but begged to be part of the group again. After Christmas break things got worse than ever and I was looking for a way out. My parents go worried and pulled me out of school. I began attending the private school in my county. I was still alone but at least I wasnt being tormented everyday anymore. I was shy and I hid behind large baggy clothes and dark makeup. I didn’t want to make friends because I didn’t know how and I definitly didn’t trust anyone.

Then one girl reached out from my church. She talked to me ad treated me like nothing was wrong with me. She saved me. She didnt know that but she did. We were friends for a while but she went to a different school the school where She went and I couldn’t go back there. So we grew apart. She is still a friend, she is a good person and she saved me. I wasn’t in a good enough place to maintain a friendship at the time so really it was for the best. If we talked now I would tell her thank you.

Sometime after this I was begining to make friends with people in my small class of 17 at my new school. One girl in particular became my friend and we got close. I started going to church with her. Her dad was the preacher there. He had started the church. It was different there. All kinds of people were welcome and you could dress anyway you wanted. They even played good music. I began going there a lot. I went to youth there and got really involved. I was finally happy again. I was in about eighth grade at this point.

One day a boy walked in. He was my heighth, skinny, dark hair, nice eyes. I knew his sister from church and my old middle school. I knew him too, because of her. He didn’t talk much at first. He was friendly with our youth leader and another boy. I don’t remeber how it happened but that boy and his friend became friends with me and my new friends. We were together every weekend we all became best friends. There were 5 of us. I was so happy then. I loved hanging out with my knew friends espessially because of one person that boy that walked in that day. His name was Hampton. As I got to know him he was funny, and sweet, and not too bad to look at either. I liked him. A lot. I had had bad luck with guys in the past. He was different though. For my birthday that year he gave me a silly little dinosaure toy and I literally treasured it. It was all he could afford and he didn’t even know I liked him then. About a month later on October 24th, 2012 he walked up to me after church and asked me out. I was so happy someone thought I was good enough again.

I took a girl home that night (by this time I was a junior and could drive) she got out after we giggled about how Hamp liked me. She got out and it occured to me all of a sudden and I fell down off my little cloud 9. He was hers though. Hamp had dated her before me. He was there for it all, he knew the things she did to me. All I could think was this beautiful guy is probably messing with me. Why me? And then the panic attack happened. I had only had them when I was in middle school and there it was again. I couldn’t go through all that again.

My friends assured me that wasn’t the case and that I should talk to Hamp about it. So I did and I learned she had messed with him the way she had messed with me. He liked me becasue he liked me not becasue he wanted to get back her but becasue we had grown to be friends and he really liked me. My life became MY life again. He has helped me with my trust issues. He has shown me that I can trust people and people can love me for me. I am truely happy now.

Its been 4 years and some change now and Hamp and I are still together. We have a dog and we are in college. He’s waiting for me to come to bed becasue it is one in the morning and I am up writing this.

My life has changed so much mostly for the better. Some peoples lives dont turn out like mine though. Some people’s end. I can’t explain why this happened to me the way it did but I just know it did. I like to think I am better for it but I’m not sure that I am. I just count it as an experience. I know other people go though similar experiences with bullying. I have wrote this story a million times, a million different ways but no way ever amounted to the way it actually felt. I was alone, like really alone. I don’t want any one else to ever feel that way but I know it happens to plenty of other kids. But I am proof that there is anohter way out than just “the end”.  So thats my past and all the blog posts and things you read baout on here they are my future. And from here it looks bright. 🙂

If you have been or are being bullied you are not alone. It may feel like it now but trust me middle school, high school it’s not the whole world. There is more out there. Trust me. If anyone has any questions or needs to talk, I’ll listen or point you in the direction of one of those good people that are still out there.

Good Night, ya’ll.

 

Welcome To My Blog

I’ll begin by explaining my title incase some of you don’t really understand it right away. It’s the name of the lipstick Lorelai Gilmore uses. Yes, that sounds crazy I know but I thought it was clever and anyway the name might not even stick. 😉 I have a slight obsession with Gilmore Girls (currently) as well as all things Disney (always). Actually I have quite a few obsessions, okay obsession is not a great word but maybe a great fondness would be a better way to put it.Ill give y’all some brief rambling facts about myself to give y’all some idea of who I am. I love books. I love Netflix (who doesn’t?). Through College I have discovered coffee is a good friend that will never let me down. I am living proof that shopping can be very therapeutic when done right. I believe in love at first sight and that if things are meant to be they will happen. I have had an amazing boyfriend for 4 years and counting. He and I have a dog named Chapman, he’s a mutt but looks like what in the south is known as an expensive bird dog. He’s really sweet and very goofy but smarter than he looks. He is one year old and quite possibly my best friend. Also yes, I am a crazy dog mom and he does have his very own Instagram (@chapman_brown) incase  y’all want to follow him. He likes to take pictures (see below) so it was only natural he should be on social media.img_2924

I decided to start this blog mainly because I have always wanted to but was never really sure what to write about. I don’t live a lavishly glamorous life or anything like that. However, at times, I do think my life is interesting and at least one person might get a chuckle out of something I have to say. In general I am socially awkward; not so much that I cant function but enough to where I can make situations uncomfortable (LOL). Its fine though I have learned to roll with it and sometimes it makes for a good story. I sat down one day getting my nails done with a friend and we had a conversation about the stories from our hometown (it has one red light in the whole town, just to give some perspective). Those alone would be enough to write a fairly unbelievable novel, could be a hit like Lucas’novel in One Tree Hill ( yes, another Netflix Obsession). So I decided at least if I run out of cute clothes and outfits to post I will at least have a good story sans real names of course. Honestly, if I sit and think about it long enough my whole life has just been one unbelievably complicated story, but then again, isn’t everyone’s?

I have had an interesting past even though I am pretty young. Middle School was a horrible time. Even more than what is normal for most kids. I was bullied and it has caused problems even now in my adult life but I am working to change that. Its one of the things that I dint like about myself that I have the power to control. The girl that caused the majority of this pain now goes to UGA I think. She lives her life and I live mine and our paths have not crossed again. However, I have forgiven her, not for her benefit but for mine. Now I can move on from it and tell my story so that maybe some one out there going through something similar might read this and realize it will be okay even when it doesn’t feel like it. Becoming a member of Alpha Omicron Pi has greatly boosted my confidence and I have become more open and willing to venture out of my comfort zone. I know that some people view Sororities as something negative and only a way to buy friends. Maybe for some girls its also just a party outlet but its not to me. It means mush more and it also means that I am held to higher standard because I am associated with those letters for life, and that makes me proud. As a result of my life so far I understand now that people will always let you down because they are human but those that really matter will stick around or at the very least come back into your life. I’ll share my whole story at some point but its sad and serious and I’m not feelin’ it right now. I am thankful now for the things that hurt me because it has made me stronger and I am thankful for the people in my life that know what I have been through and still love me. I want to be relatable to my readers not just in the way I dress or how I do my make up but in how I live my life. This whole blog thing is very new to me so bare with me until I get the swing of it. I don’t have a schedule of when I will post but it will be frequent but sporadic and hopefully entertaining.

I hope you enjoy and please comment, share your opinions and stories! This is going to be fun! Happy New Year!